How to Stick to a Diet: The One Question That Finally Worked for Me
The short answer: In my experience, you stick to a diet by stopping the diet and changing who you are first. My diets failed because I was an unhealthy person taking healthy actions, and willpower always ran out. What lasted was deciding "I am a healthy person," then asking before each choice, "Would a healthy person eat this?"
Why can't I stick to a diet?
I couldn't either. Here's what was really going on.
At 24, I weighed 258 pounds. I was uncomfortable in my own skin. I felt like I took up too much space. I just wasn't happy.
So I did what everyone does. I went on diets. Several of them. No bread, no pasta, no pop, no sweets. Each one lasted only a few days.
Then my willpower would hit its limit. Every time I came off a diet, I binged on everything. I felt frustrated and terrible, and I slid right back into being the unhappy, unhealthy person I believed I was.
For a long time I thought the problem was me: not enough willpower, or not the right diet yet.
Looking back, the diets weren't the problem, and willpower wasn't either. The problem was the order I was doing things in.
Do diets work if you're still the same person?
Here's what I eventually noticed. Healthy people do the same things I had tried. They skip the pop. They eat the salad. The difference was that they stuck with it.
Why did they stick with it and I didn't? Because they saw themselves as healthy people. I didn't.
I was an unhealthy person taking healthy actions. As long as I saw myself as unhealthy, it didn't matter how hard I tried. Every healthy choice was a fight against who I thought I was, and sooner or later I lost that fight.
A diet asks you to change what you do while you stay the same person. That's backwards. You can white-knuckle it for a few days. But the person underneath is still waiting for the diet to end so things can go back to "normal."
And here's the part nobody tells you: if you never decide to be a healthy person, you've still decided. By default, you've taken on the identity of an unhealthy person. Nobody sits down and chooses that. It's just the default.
What's the difference between "I can't" and "I don't"?
Offer three people a slice of cake and you might hear three answers:
- "I'm on a diet."
- "I'm trying to cut back."
- "No thanks, I don't really eat that."
The first two are still the same person. They're just resisting the cake right now. Only the third person has really changed, because it isn't something they're doing. It's who they are.
Diets live in "I can't" land. "I can't have bread. I can't have dessert. I'm being good." That language tells you that you're still the same person, just holding your breath.
A healthy person doesn't say "I can't have that." They say "I don't really drink pop." No drama. No fight. It's just not part of who they are.
So how do you stick to a diet, really?
Here's what I did. I'm not claiming it's the only way. It's what worked for me after everything else hadn't.
1. Stop dieting and decide who you are
In the summer of 1998, I stopped dieting for good. I simply decided to become a healthy person instead.
Nothing had changed yet. I wasn't a single pound lighter. But that moment of deciding felt uplifting and freeing. It opened the path forward.
If you want to try it, write it down: "I am a healthy person." Not "I want to be." Not "I'm trying." I am. Sign it. Say it out loud once, even though it feels strange. Put it somewhere you'll see it every day. (This is Day 3 of my free 5-day challenge. If you'd like the whole thing, one short email a morning, start here →.)
2. Ask one question before every choice
From that summer on, before every choice, I asked: "Would a healthy person eat this? Would they do that?"
That one question replaced all the rules. I didn't need a list of banned foods. I didn't need to count anything. I just needed to be honest with the answer.
The nice thing about this question is that it's yours. Being healthy looks different for everyone. For one person it means eating spinach. For another it means still eating some junk food but no longer drinking Coke. Both of them are healthier. You decide what a healthy person looks like for you.
3. Change one thing at a time
I didn't overhaul my life in a week. That's the diet trap again.
I didn't know much about being healthy, so I started paying attention to people who looked healthy. I noticed fit people don't usually drink pop. I was a healthy person now, so I stopped drinking pop. Then milk. Then the French fries at lunch. I noticed healthy people chose salad over pasta, so I started eating salads. I noticed slim people ate fruit for dessert, so I ate more fruit.
One change, then the next. Each one had a chance to settle in and become just "what I do."
4. Let it feel normal instead of heroic
Here's the funny part. Those were the same changes as my failed diets. No pop. Less pasta. Fewer sweets.
But this time they lasted, because they matched who I was. I didn't need willpower, and there was no binge afterward, because there was no diet to come off of.
What do you do when you slip?
You will slip. So did I.
On a diet, a slip feels like failure. You "broke" the diet, so you might as well eat everything, and you start over Monday. That's exactly the loop I was stuck in for years.
When you're a healthy person, one meal doesn't change who you are. A healthy person who eats a piece of cake at a birthday party is still a healthy person. The next choice is just the next choice. Ask the question again and keep going.
At the end of each day, I'd suggest one simple check-in: Did I act like a healthy person today? Not "Was I perfect?" Just: did I mostly act like the person I decided to be?
What happened for me
Over the years that followed that summer of 1998, I went from 258 pounds to 184, where I am today. I still take the daily walk I started back then.
It took years, not weeks. That's my story, not a promise. Everyone's body and results are different.
And the best part wasn't the number. It was feeling happier. The moment I decided I was a healthy person, I got a little happier. Every time I acted like one, I got a little happier again. That kept the identity on my mind, which made the next healthy choice easier. I call that the flywheel. Once it's spinning, it feeds itself.
FAQ
Why can't I stick to a diet?
In my experience, it's because I was an unhealthy person taking healthy actions. The rules ran on willpower, and willpower ran out after a few days. Deciding I was a healthy person first is what made the same choices stick.
Do diets work?
For me, they didn't last. Each one held for a few days, then I binged. The same changes worked once they came from who I was instead of from a set of rules.
What should I do instead of dieting?
Decide "I am a healthy person," then ask before each choice, "Would a healthy person eat this?" Change one thing at a time and let it become normal before adding the next.
Do I have to give up my favorite foods?
Nobody is taking anything away from you. You decide what a healthy person looks like for you. For some people that's spinach; for others it's just dropping the Coke.
What if I slip up?
One meal doesn't change who you are. Ask the question again at the next choice. At night, ask yourself, "Did I act like a healthy person today?"
I'm not a doctor; this is what worked for me. Talk to your doctor before changing your diet, especially if you have a health condition.
Try it free for 5 days
If you're tired of diets that last a few days, try the free 5-day challenge. One short email a day from me. You'll make the "I am a healthy person" commitment, learn to let the world become your teacher, and practice one question: What would a healthy person do right now?
No calorie counting. No banned foods.